White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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