ADVERTISEMENT

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

  Fav 17 4157 926

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them

  Fav 81 4379 1842

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (752): View more from California

  i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

  Fav 50 6442 1304

  share tweet
  

• (505): View more from New Mexico

  That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.

  Fav 44 1336 6774

  share tweet
  

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"

  Fav 54 1335 9420

  share tweet
  

• (907): View more from Alaska

  the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

  Fav 45 10969 1380

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

  Fav 12 2497 3150

  share tweet
  

• (718): View more from New York

  The gym has a pool

  (914): View more from New York

  my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

  Fav 4 3540 1225

  share tweet
  

• (530): View more from California

  I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.

  Fav 14 942 2012

  share tweet
  

• (410): View more from Maryland

  I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.

  Fav 10 1388 1063

  share tweet
  

• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?

  Fav 7 1147 585

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in

  Fav 0 89 16

  share tweet
  

• (740): View more from Ohio

  I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!

  Fav 0 42 14

  share tweet
  

• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.

  Fav 0 29 10

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (209): View more from California

  I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."

  Fav 0 31 48

  share tweet
  

Randomize