Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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