Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
