i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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