After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
