I just saw a hot homeless man
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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