guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize