good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
