Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
