Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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