You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize