I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
