i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
