her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
