he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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