I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
