After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
