I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
