Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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