Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
