She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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