Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
