My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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