Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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