Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize