i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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