I am puke
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
