I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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