Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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