I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
