shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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