My girlfriend figured out who you are.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
