Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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