We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
