Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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