i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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