I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
