yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
