omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
