there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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