how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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