I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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