She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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