I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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