every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
