I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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