Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
