It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
