I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just cropdusted the office
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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