So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize