Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
