my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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