I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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