Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
