oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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