I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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