too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
