I'm lost and stupid without you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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