There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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