YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
