when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
