all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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