now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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