Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
